Blessing

As I lay here tonight snuggled up with the love of my life and listening to some strange TV show, I try to close my eyes. Exhausted, I lay here... and yes and it is only 9 pm. But, my mind can not help but race. Race about thoughts of my past, about my future, about the day. What could I have done different? What could I have changed?

Then it hit me. I wouldn't change a damn thing. Because I am blessed. And my biggest blessing comes in the form of this amazing woman (pictured below... in my current situation). She came into my life in 2014, and little did I know a year later she would change it forever.

We have gone through many struggles, we have shared tons of joys. But together, everything is better.

Thank you Carolyn Marie for being my blessing. For being the one I can hold onto; the one I can trust; the one I can love.

Sleep well my love...

Life is Like a Never Ending Roller Coaster

I always feel like I should be good at this. I've done it many times; sat down, pulled out my laptop and just wrote. The words always flowed to me. But for the past month I've had writers block. No matter where I go- my room, outside, the creek- the right words have not been coming to me. So, once again, I sit here with the white screen glaring at me, demanding I type something- anything- yet nothing comes onto the screen.

Then, the train passes by. I stare at it through the dark sky as the whistle blows. The loud engine covers the sound of my voice. I am here, alone. My heart begins to pick of pace. I am regretting not bringing Beck outside with me. Then, it moves past. I feel my heart slow to a steady rate. I am ok.

I begin to think about how far I have come from where I was a year ago, a month ago, last week, even yesterday.

Trains have always frightened me, because of my suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have had them many times and yes, occasionally I will still have them. But, I am here today and that is the most important part. My suicidal thoughts started at a young age; way too early. When I was in Jr. High, I attempted to wrap a belt around my neck and hang myself. The belt never actually made it around me, as I started bursting out in tears before I could do it. So, I proceeded to chop the belt up into little shreds and throw it away. I thought I would never again do something like that.

Then came High School. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, which later evolved into PTSD and schizo-affective disorder. I attempted once again to harm myself, multiple times I should add. I became a cutter and a smoker. I was hospitalized two times and in partial programs three times. That took up my whole high school career. I was not the average student.

Now, I am in college. I stare at my dorm building as I sit on the damp, cold bench. Wow. God has a plan for me, an amazing one. Through all of the struggles I have gone through and will continue to go through, I am going through them for a purpose. There is a plan for my life, and I am determined to fulfill it. Whether that be becoming a pastor or not, I will make a difference in the world. It has been one hell of a ride, but I am ready for whatever comes next.

Life is like a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes it's fun, other times it makes you sick. Just remember to hold on, and prepare for the ride. God knows where He is leading you!

Future

No more than five minutes ago as I'm walking back to my dorm after getting a late lunch, I catch myself walking on the curb. Partaking in that same little balance act I would do as I was a kid. Because in a child's mind, just about every curb is a perfect balance beam. And then it got me thinking; thinking enough that I stopped at the closest bench, pulled out my laptop, and began to write. 

I am so proud of how far I have come. As a child, I had this perfect plan of how my life would turn out- High School, College, Seminary, then a church. Piece of cake. Well, I've learned the hard way that it's not always that easy. There are struggles in life- some greater than others. Three years of High School feels like a lifetime. Seminary feels like it is never going to come. And landing a job seems impossible. But, if I can make it through every minute, then I can make it through each day, each month, each year. There is a future for me. Just take each minute as it comes. 

You have a future too. Whether you are 10 or 100, there is a future for you. There are going to be rough patches in life, remember we all have scars. But finding peace among the scars is the most important part. Remember your future and take each minute as it comes. 

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness- it does not change the past, but it does change the future."

What does it mean to forgive? How do you forgive? When do you forgive? Forgiveness is difficult.

Forgiveness starts at a young age. From saying "sorry" to your siblings, cousins, friends, whatever the case may be. But, as we grow older, sometimes we forget what we learned as a child. We forget what forgiveness is, because we run into major issues (instead of just someone stealing our toy or taking the last cookie).

We run into real problems where forgiveness needs to be involved- family fights, disagreements, firing from a job. I don't know your situation but I'm sure it could find its place here on the list.

Let me share a piece of my story. So, as you may know, Carrie and I are in a happy relationship. You may also know that we have been very involved in our "Church". There are many within our church congregation who accept us and love us, but there are many in the larger body of the "Church" who disagree. Essentially because of our age difference. So, they kicked Carrie out of all youth ministry activities, something that was very important to her. That occurred a little over a year ago. The larger "Church" body still has shown no forgiveness. I am not asking for her to be invited back into youth ministry activities, because I understand the circumstances. I am asking for the church to practice what they preach- forgiveness. To treat her with respect and not give her the cold shoulder. To not look at her like a villain, because she is not. We have forgiven them, why can't they forgive us?

Forgiveness is difficult. I know I already said that but especially in a case like mine and Carrie's, it is very difficult. But, why?

God sent his only son to die on the cross. To suffer pain. All to FORGIVE OUR SINS. So, why do we not have it in our hearts to forgive others?

Is a "sorry" enough? Sometimes it may be. But other times it's not. Forgiveness takes effort and time. You cannot change the things that happened in the past, but forgiveness does change the future. I pray that in the near future forgiveness will come for us and for your situation.

Beck

"There's a dog sitting on my bed"

"I know..."

It's overwhelming, tiring, demanding. I am happy, grateful, blessed. It is worth it.

Ever since I was old enough to know what a dog was, I wanted one. And once I was diagnosed with PTSD and knew what psychiatric service dogs were, I wanted one. Now, I finally have one. And it is amazing.

Beck had already changed my life in a way I cannot even explain.  It's like having a newborn, we fell in love at first site, and he demands work and attention. But the outcome is worth it.

Within 48 hours of getting him, the comfort he gave me as a conversation was triggering me, was unbelievable. So much comfort from one little pup.

 

Pain

"Lamb of God, you take away the sin shit of the world…"

I was standing in church this morning, singing. Not only was I singing, my mind was spinning. My thoughts were going crazy.
"How will I survive this week without Beck? (my new service dog who I do not get to officially bring home until next week). How will I survive midterms? I am not stable. I have too much anxiety. I cannot do this, but I have to. I don't want to go back to school. I just don't know what to do!"

Then, as I am singing, I paused and stare at the screen. Thoughts raced through my mind again.
"Could this really be what I am seeing. Was there a typo or something? What church song says 'shit' in it?!"

I did read the screen wrong. There was no typo. It said sin, not shit. But, now that I think about it, I think "shit" would fit pretty well into that song.

Lamb of God (okay, so Jesus), you take away the [shit] of the world (now what does this mean? especially since I changed a word...)

Lets define what "shit" is first. (If you have not read my previous blog, "Amidst the Shit", I recommend you go read that after this.) Shit- one of the most commonly used curse words that has a couple totally different meanings. But, the meaning I want to discuss is the shit that happens in our lives, the bad stuff. Shit like, losing your job, breaking up with a significant other, the death of a loved one, diseases, illnesses, the list could go on and on. This shit sucks. We've all had shit in our lives that we have had to work through and I'm sure it has not always been easy.

But, God will take away your pain, your suffering, your shit. God will be with you wherever you go. How do I know this? Because of the sacrifice of Jesus; His death and resurrection.

I will leave you with my favorite quote from Presiding Bishop Elizabeth Eaton as she spoke to youth leaders at the 2015 youth ministry network extravaganza:

“...God knows that... God knows that pain, because God took on our own life. And God has done something about that in the death and resurrection of Jesus and though it might really suck right now (and that's a technical theological term, which I'm sure you've used) and though it may really suck right now to be you. GOD WON'T LET YOU ALONE, and YOU have life. That's pretty Good News... actually that's excellent Good News...

Anxiety

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

Anxiety. It sucks.

Being worried about the future or life in general, not being able to make decisions, not being able to focus, feeling like you can not breath or sleep, sweating, getting nauseous, the list could go on and on. Anxiety sucks.

Maybe you suffer from it, maybe you do not. I am no doctor and I am not here to treat you; I am here to give you words of encouragement. You will make it.

What? You don't believe me? Hell, I don't believe myself some days. You will make it.
How will I make it? When will I make it?

It doesn't feel like I will make it when anxiety has taken over my body and I cannot focus, feel like I am going to puke, cannot do anything. I understand that feeling. Trust me.

But, one day you will make it. I will make it. Why? Because there are always others there supporting you, praying for you, and helping you. You may not always see them, but they are there. And you know who else is always there for you? God. He will never leave you. The peace of God is always in your heart. He will comfort you and protect you.

So, you will make it. I am not saying to not be anxious, because it is something we all naturally do. I am saying to know you will make it through and that things will work out. Trust in God. Believe you can and you will.