Determination

I exit out of the game on my phone and pull up my blog. Time to write, although the game I was playing is so addicting. It is called "stack". The goal of the game is to see how many blocks you can stack on top of each other without missing. For every ten blocks stacked you get a coin. After 200 coins you can trade it in for a new color or design of the blocks. It's a fun game to play if you're bored. But why am I telling you this? There is a point here.

It is a pain in the ass to reach 200 coins, it takes time and patience. I just reached 200 yesterday and I thought today as I was playing, "great, now I have to start all over. Reach 200 again." I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to begin again. But sometimes that is what we have to do. 

Life isn't always going to be easy. There are going to be twists and turns. You have to be determined. Sometimes, you have to start over. That is okay. Begin again and keep your head up. A struggle is only a new opportunity awaiting. 

I have been waiting to get a service dog. So many times organizations fell through for me. Finally I think I may be getting one. I am going to visit the pup tomorrow to see if he is a good fit for me. If he is not, then I will begin again. Will I be upset? Yes. But, I will just start collecting those 200 coins again, so to speak. It is not the end of the world. 

It is okay if you have to start fresh. It is okay to struggle. Sometimes a clean slate is what we all need. But, never give up your determination.

Be Still

Yet again, I stare at my blank screen wondering what to type. I reflect on this week and think of what wisdom I can pull from it. I am left with nothing. I write when I need to; I write as a coping mechanism and I have not needed to this week. So, now that I am left with not knowing what to say and I feel like there is something wrong with me. But, there is nothing wrong. It is okay to just be still. It is okay to not know what to say. I am allowed to have a good week.

We all need time to breathe. Time to reflect on our life and how far we have come. Whatever struggles you are going through right now or have gone through in the past, they do not matter right now. Just stop. Take a deep breath. Now another one. And a third. You've made it this far and you will continue to make it. Just relax. Focus on the good in life. Take time to be still.

I forget to do this often. I forget to focus on the good, to relax, and to be still. So I got the words "be still" tattooed on my left wrist. Ever since then I have stopped cutting. When I am depressed I look at that. It brings me back to reality. It is two simple words that mean so much. There is more behind the meaning of my tattoo, but that I will share later. The point of this is to remind you that it is okay to take personal time. You are allowed to get away and be still.

So, put down the phone, take a walk, look at God's beautiful creation and be still. Have a blessed day.

Your Blank Canvas

Write a sentence...delete; repeat. That is how I feel right now. I have a blank canvas. A blank space to write whatever I want, to share whatever I want, and yet I do not know what to say. The bright, white screen glows in the dark room. This is my blank canvas; my new start; my fresh start. Here is your opportunity- your blank canvas; grab a brush and paint your life. 

What is on your canvas?

Is it abstract or realistic? What medium? Think about it. What does your life look like at this moment? But, then think about it in the future. What are your life goals?

I had this conversation with Carrie today about our life goals. I listed my three- to change the church, open my own counseling practice, and/or be an advocate for suicide prevention. But, in order to get to those goals, there is a lot of work I have to do first. I have to make it through college and seminary. Get a real job and work my way up to the bigger jobs. Someday I will get there. It just takes work. A painting doesn't happen in five minutes, especially large ones. Be patient; breathe.

Sometimes we get too tied up in one section of our life. One fragment, one argument, one test score, one long day, that does not even matter in the big picture. Remember what you are painting. Remember your goal. Remember who you are.

The rest of this is blank. So, begin your story, begin your life. What's holding you back?

Amidst the Shit

We all go through shit in our life. We do; it's the truth. 

I have no idea what shit you are struggling with right now. You have no idea what shit your co-worker is struggling with, your neighbor, your friend, even sometimes someone in your own family. So, who are you to judge? 

Amidst the shit that comes into our lives, we all react differently. Some react with strength and take it head on. Others react with fear, or feel powerless. Some react with anger or hatred. No matter how you react, no matter what shit you struggle with, there is one key thing to remember...

IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

This week has been one of those weeks for me. I cannot say it has been terrible, but it has also not been amazing. I have been struggling with shit this week. Shit that deals with my PTSD. I have been triggered in classes at school, felt powerless in certain situations, and reacted with anger. But, I am not letting the cause of my PTSD define me. It was one thing that happened in my life; a shitty situation that happened over time. I still have my whole life to live...and I am going to fucking live it!

So, needless to say... we all struggle. Not everyday is going to be a good day, but there is always at least one thing that is good in everyday. Learn to find the joy amidst the shit; comfort amidst the shit; peace amidst the shit.

Just because you have scars (whether they are physical or not) does not mean they define you. You choose what you want to define YOU. Be unique. Be yourself. Just simply be you.

Where is peace?

"What is one word you would use to describe how you feel right now?"

"Peace." Carrie responded.

"I completely agree with you."

This was part of our conversation last night while we sat around the warmth of the campfire. With the bright flames reflecting off of our eyes and into the darkness of the sky we both talked in peace.

Scars are a peace of us all. Maybe you do not have any physically scars, but I know everyone has emotional scars. Everyone has baggage, a burden, something they are scared to tell others, something they struggle with, or something they are worried about. What is your scar or scars?

The point of peace is to find that time, that place, that moment, when all your scars seem to dissipate. You do not have to worry about them or anything for that matter. All you have to worry about is being in the moment. Enjoy life and the people you are with. Relax. Breath.

I found my peace last night sitting around the campfire at Knoebels with Carrie. I let all of my scars go - my worries about school, about where I belong, about my future. That was my peace.

Where do you find peace? What does peace mean to you?

My First Blog

Wow... my first real blog post.

Darkness covers the sky and I hear the creatures humming. The cool fall breeze is finally settling in and I had to throw on my sweatshirt. I am stumbling with the right words to say to begin this post, but I know they will come to me.

Scars are a peace of us all. Do not correct my grammar; I know I used the wrong form of "peace". Yes, that is for a purpose. Scars can be a sign of peace.

"Preach from your scars, not your open wounds" (Nadia Bolz-Weber).

Nadia is a pastor in the ELCA, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. She has written two books and I have attended two of her book talks in Philly. But why this quote out of everything she says? Because this is most prevalent in my life. From the moment those words came out of her mouth, they stuck. I have many scars and many wounds, but the scars are the ones I will talk about. When the wounds are healed I will tell you about the rest.

Over this past summer I began to write an autobiography, and I want to share part of the preface with you:

"This is my story. 

I am just human. I live my life day by day. I have been hurt; I am broken; I am not perfect. I AM beautiful. I am extraordinary. I am fabulous. I am a child of God. 

I’ve lost friends; I’ve gained friends. I’ve lost family; I’ve gained family. I’ve died; I’ve lived. This is my life; my story."

I have many scars- from bug bites to stretch marks and even cut marks- but I have begun to find peace in my scars. I have begun to find healing; not just physically, but emotionally. There is hope. You have life, we all do. So, I hope for this blog to be an uplifter for your day. To remind you that you are NEVER alone, no matter the circumstances. To give you joy, peace, healing, and comfort.

I will share bits and pieces of my story, but I encourage you to share yours as well.
I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"We live with the scars we choose."

Peace be with you.