Life is Like a Never Ending Roller Coaster

I always feel like I should be good at this. I've done it many times; sat down, pulled out my laptop and just wrote. The words always flowed to me. But for the past month I've had writers block. No matter where I go- my room, outside, the creek- the right words have not been coming to me. So, once again, I sit here with the white screen glaring at me, demanding I type something- anything- yet nothing comes onto the screen.

Then, the train passes by. I stare at it through the dark sky as the whistle blows. The loud engine covers the sound of my voice. I am here, alone. My heart begins to pick of pace. I am regretting not bringing Beck outside with me. Then, it moves past. I feel my heart slow to a steady rate. I am ok.

I begin to think about how far I have come from where I was a year ago, a month ago, last week, even yesterday.

Trains have always frightened me, because of my suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have had them many times and yes, occasionally I will still have them. But, I am here today and that is the most important part. My suicidal thoughts started at a young age; way too early. When I was in Jr. High, I attempted to wrap a belt around my neck and hang myself. The belt never actually made it around me, as I started bursting out in tears before I could do it. So, I proceeded to chop the belt up into little shreds and throw it away. I thought I would never again do something like that.

Then came High School. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, which later evolved into PTSD and schizo-affective disorder. I attempted once again to harm myself, multiple times I should add. I became a cutter and a smoker. I was hospitalized two times and in partial programs three times. That took up my whole high school career. I was not the average student.

Now, I am in college. I stare at my dorm building as I sit on the damp, cold bench. Wow. God has a plan for me, an amazing one. Through all of the struggles I have gone through and will continue to go through, I am going through them for a purpose. There is a plan for my life, and I am determined to fulfill it. Whether that be becoming a pastor or not, I will make a difference in the world. It has been one hell of a ride, but I am ready for whatever comes next.

Life is like a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes it's fun, other times it makes you sick. Just remember to hold on, and prepare for the ride. God knows where He is leading you!

Future

No more than five minutes ago as I'm walking back to my dorm after getting a late lunch, I catch myself walking on the curb. Partaking in that same little balance act I would do as I was a kid. Because in a child's mind, just about every curb is a perfect balance beam. And then it got me thinking; thinking enough that I stopped at the closest bench, pulled out my laptop, and began to write. 

I am so proud of how far I have come. As a child, I had this perfect plan of how my life would turn out- High School, College, Seminary, then a church. Piece of cake. Well, I've learned the hard way that it's not always that easy. There are struggles in life- some greater than others. Three years of High School feels like a lifetime. Seminary feels like it is never going to come. And landing a job seems impossible. But, if I can make it through every minute, then I can make it through each day, each month, each year. There is a future for me. Just take each minute as it comes. 

You have a future too. Whether you are 10 or 100, there is a future for you. There are going to be rough patches in life, remember we all have scars. But finding peace among the scars is the most important part. Remember your future and take each minute as it comes.