Life is Like a Never Ending Roller Coaster

I always feel like I should be good at this. I've done it many times; sat down, pulled out my laptop and just wrote. The words always flowed to me. But for the past month I've had writers block. No matter where I go- my room, outside, the creek- the right words have not been coming to me. So, once again, I sit here with the white screen glaring at me, demanding I type something- anything- yet nothing comes onto the screen.

Then, the train passes by. I stare at it through the dark sky as the whistle blows. The loud engine covers the sound of my voice. I am here, alone. My heart begins to pick of pace. I am regretting not bringing Beck outside with me. Then, it moves past. I feel my heart slow to a steady rate. I am ok.

I begin to think about how far I have come from where I was a year ago, a month ago, last week, even yesterday.

Trains have always frightened me, because of my suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have had them many times and yes, occasionally I will still have them. But, I am here today and that is the most important part. My suicidal thoughts started at a young age; way too early. When I was in Jr. High, I attempted to wrap a belt around my neck and hang myself. The belt never actually made it around me, as I started bursting out in tears before I could do it. So, I proceeded to chop the belt up into little shreds and throw it away. I thought I would never again do something like that.

Then came High School. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, which later evolved into PTSD and schizo-affective disorder. I attempted once again to harm myself, multiple times I should add. I became a cutter and a smoker. I was hospitalized two times and in partial programs three times. That took up my whole high school career. I was not the average student.

Now, I am in college. I stare at my dorm building as I sit on the damp, cold bench. Wow. God has a plan for me, an amazing one. Through all of the struggles I have gone through and will continue to go through, I am going through them for a purpose. There is a plan for my life, and I am determined to fulfill it. Whether that be becoming a pastor or not, I will make a difference in the world. It has been one hell of a ride, but I am ready for whatever comes next.

Life is like a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes it's fun, other times it makes you sick. Just remember to hold on, and prepare for the ride. God knows where He is leading you!

Future

No more than five minutes ago as I'm walking back to my dorm after getting a late lunch, I catch myself walking on the curb. Partaking in that same little balance act I would do as I was a kid. Because in a child's mind, just about every curb is a perfect balance beam. And then it got me thinking; thinking enough that I stopped at the closest bench, pulled out my laptop, and began to write. 

I am so proud of how far I have come. As a child, I had this perfect plan of how my life would turn out- High School, College, Seminary, then a church. Piece of cake. Well, I've learned the hard way that it's not always that easy. There are struggles in life- some greater than others. Three years of High School feels like a lifetime. Seminary feels like it is never going to come. And landing a job seems impossible. But, if I can make it through every minute, then I can make it through each day, each month, each year. There is a future for me. Just take each minute as it comes. 

You have a future too. Whether you are 10 or 100, there is a future for you. There are going to be rough patches in life, remember we all have scars. But finding peace among the scars is the most important part. Remember your future and take each minute as it comes. 

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness- it does not change the past, but it does change the future."

What does it mean to forgive? How do you forgive? When do you forgive? Forgiveness is difficult.

Forgiveness starts at a young age. From saying "sorry" to your siblings, cousins, friends, whatever the case may be. But, as we grow older, sometimes we forget what we learned as a child. We forget what forgiveness is, because we run into major issues (instead of just someone stealing our toy or taking the last cookie).

We run into real problems where forgiveness needs to be involved- family fights, disagreements, firing from a job. I don't know your situation but I'm sure it could find its place here on the list.

Let me share a piece of my story. So, as you may know, Carrie and I are in a happy relationship. You may also know that we have been very involved in our "Church". There are many within our church congregation who accept us and love us, but there are many in the larger body of the "Church" who disagree. Essentially because of our age difference. So, they kicked Carrie out of all youth ministry activities, something that was very important to her. That occurred a little over a year ago. The larger "Church" body still has shown no forgiveness. I am not asking for her to be invited back into youth ministry activities, because I understand the circumstances. I am asking for the church to practice what they preach- forgiveness. To treat her with respect and not give her the cold shoulder. To not look at her like a villain, because she is not. We have forgiven them, why can't they forgive us?

Forgiveness is difficult. I know I already said that but especially in a case like mine and Carrie's, it is very difficult. But, why?

God sent his only son to die on the cross. To suffer pain. All to FORGIVE OUR SINS. So, why do we not have it in our hearts to forgive others?

Is a "sorry" enough? Sometimes it may be. But other times it's not. Forgiveness takes effort and time. You cannot change the things that happened in the past, but forgiveness does change the future. I pray that in the near future forgiveness will come for us and for your situation.

Beck

"There's a dog sitting on my bed"

"I know..."

It's overwhelming, tiring, demanding. I am happy, grateful, blessed. It is worth it.

Ever since I was old enough to know what a dog was, I wanted one. And once I was diagnosed with PTSD and knew what psychiatric service dogs were, I wanted one. Now, I finally have one. And it is amazing.

Beck had already changed my life in a way I cannot even explain.  It's like having a newborn, we fell in love at first site, and he demands work and attention. But the outcome is worth it.

Within 48 hours of getting him, the comfort he gave me as a conversation was triggering me, was unbelievable. So much comfort from one little pup.

 

Pain

"Lamb of God, you take away the sin shit of the world…"

I was standing in church this morning, singing. Not only was I singing, my mind was spinning. My thoughts were going crazy.
"How will I survive this week without Beck? (my new service dog who I do not get to officially bring home until next week). How will I survive midterms? I am not stable. I have too much anxiety. I cannot do this, but I have to. I don't want to go back to school. I just don't know what to do!"

Then, as I am singing, I paused and stare at the screen. Thoughts raced through my mind again.
"Could this really be what I am seeing. Was there a typo or something? What church song says 'shit' in it?!"

I did read the screen wrong. There was no typo. It said sin, not shit. But, now that I think about it, I think "shit" would fit pretty well into that song.

Lamb of God (okay, so Jesus), you take away the [shit] of the world (now what does this mean? especially since I changed a word...)

Lets define what "shit" is first. (If you have not read my previous blog, "Amidst the Shit", I recommend you go read that after this.) Shit- one of the most commonly used curse words that has a couple totally different meanings. But, the meaning I want to discuss is the shit that happens in our lives, the bad stuff. Shit like, losing your job, breaking up with a significant other, the death of a loved one, diseases, illnesses, the list could go on and on. This shit sucks. We've all had shit in our lives that we have had to work through and I'm sure it has not always been easy.

But, God will take away your pain, your suffering, your shit. God will be with you wherever you go. How do I know this? Because of the sacrifice of Jesus; His death and resurrection.

I will leave you with my favorite quote from Presiding Bishop Elizabeth Eaton as she spoke to youth leaders at the 2015 youth ministry network extravaganza:

“...God knows that... God knows that pain, because God took on our own life. And God has done something about that in the death and resurrection of Jesus and though it might really suck right now (and that's a technical theological term, which I'm sure you've used) and though it may really suck right now to be you. GOD WON'T LET YOU ALONE, and YOU have life. That's pretty Good News... actually that's excellent Good News...

Anxiety

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

Anxiety. It sucks.

Being worried about the future or life in general, not being able to make decisions, not being able to focus, feeling like you can not breath or sleep, sweating, getting nauseous, the list could go on and on. Anxiety sucks.

Maybe you suffer from it, maybe you do not. I am no doctor and I am not here to treat you; I am here to give you words of encouragement. You will make it.

What? You don't believe me? Hell, I don't believe myself some days. You will make it.
How will I make it? When will I make it?

It doesn't feel like I will make it when anxiety has taken over my body and I cannot focus, feel like I am going to puke, cannot do anything. I understand that feeling. Trust me.

But, one day you will make it. I will make it. Why? Because there are always others there supporting you, praying for you, and helping you. You may not always see them, but they are there. And you know who else is always there for you? God. He will never leave you. The peace of God is always in your heart. He will comfort you and protect you.

So, you will make it. I am not saying to not be anxious, because it is something we all naturally do. I am saying to know you will make it through and that things will work out. Trust in God. Believe you can and you will. 

Determination

I exit out of the game on my phone and pull up my blog. Time to write, although the game I was playing is so addicting. It is called "stack". The goal of the game is to see how many blocks you can stack on top of each other without missing. For every ten blocks stacked you get a coin. After 200 coins you can trade it in for a new color or design of the blocks. It's a fun game to play if you're bored. But why am I telling you this? There is a point here.

It is a pain in the ass to reach 200 coins, it takes time and patience. I just reached 200 yesterday and I thought today as I was playing, "great, now I have to start all over. Reach 200 again." I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to begin again. But sometimes that is what we have to do. 

Life isn't always going to be easy. There are going to be twists and turns. You have to be determined. Sometimes, you have to start over. That is okay. Begin again and keep your head up. A struggle is only a new opportunity awaiting. 

I have been waiting to get a service dog. So many times organizations fell through for me. Finally I think I may be getting one. I am going to visit the pup tomorrow to see if he is a good fit for me. If he is not, then I will begin again. Will I be upset? Yes. But, I will just start collecting those 200 coins again, so to speak. It is not the end of the world. 

It is okay if you have to start fresh. It is okay to struggle. Sometimes a clean slate is what we all need. But, never give up your determination.

Be Still

Yet again, I stare at my blank screen wondering what to type. I reflect on this week and think of what wisdom I can pull from it. I am left with nothing. I write when I need to; I write as a coping mechanism and I have not needed to this week. So, now that I am left with not knowing what to say and I feel like there is something wrong with me. But, there is nothing wrong. It is okay to just be still. It is okay to not know what to say. I am allowed to have a good week.

We all need time to breathe. Time to reflect on our life and how far we have come. Whatever struggles you are going through right now or have gone through in the past, they do not matter right now. Just stop. Take a deep breath. Now another one. And a third. You've made it this far and you will continue to make it. Just relax. Focus on the good in life. Take time to be still.

I forget to do this often. I forget to focus on the good, to relax, and to be still. So I got the words "be still" tattooed on my left wrist. Ever since then I have stopped cutting. When I am depressed I look at that. It brings me back to reality. It is two simple words that mean so much. There is more behind the meaning of my tattoo, but that I will share later. The point of this is to remind you that it is okay to take personal time. You are allowed to get away and be still.

So, put down the phone, take a walk, look at God's beautiful creation and be still. Have a blessed day.

Your Blank Canvas

Write a sentence...delete; repeat. That is how I feel right now. I have a blank canvas. A blank space to write whatever I want, to share whatever I want, and yet I do not know what to say. The bright, white screen glows in the dark room. This is my blank canvas; my new start; my fresh start. Here is your opportunity- your blank canvas; grab a brush and paint your life. 

What is on your canvas?

Is it abstract or realistic? What medium? Think about it. What does your life look like at this moment? But, then think about it in the future. What are your life goals?

I had this conversation with Carrie today about our life goals. I listed my three- to change the church, open my own counseling practice, and/or be an advocate for suicide prevention. But, in order to get to those goals, there is a lot of work I have to do first. I have to make it through college and seminary. Get a real job and work my way up to the bigger jobs. Someday I will get there. It just takes work. A painting doesn't happen in five minutes, especially large ones. Be patient; breathe.

Sometimes we get too tied up in one section of our life. One fragment, one argument, one test score, one long day, that does not even matter in the big picture. Remember what you are painting. Remember your goal. Remember who you are.

The rest of this is blank. So, begin your story, begin your life. What's holding you back?

Amidst the Shit

We all go through shit in our life. We do; it's the truth. 

I have no idea what shit you are struggling with right now. You have no idea what shit your co-worker is struggling with, your neighbor, your friend, even sometimes someone in your own family. So, who are you to judge? 

Amidst the shit that comes into our lives, we all react differently. Some react with strength and take it head on. Others react with fear, or feel powerless. Some react with anger or hatred. No matter how you react, no matter what shit you struggle with, there is one key thing to remember...

IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

This week has been one of those weeks for me. I cannot say it has been terrible, but it has also not been amazing. I have been struggling with shit this week. Shit that deals with my PTSD. I have been triggered in classes at school, felt powerless in certain situations, and reacted with anger. But, I am not letting the cause of my PTSD define me. It was one thing that happened in my life; a shitty situation that happened over time. I still have my whole life to live...and I am going to fucking live it!

So, needless to say... we all struggle. Not everyday is going to be a good day, but there is always at least one thing that is good in everyday. Learn to find the joy amidst the shit; comfort amidst the shit; peace amidst the shit.

Just because you have scars (whether they are physical or not) does not mean they define you. You choose what you want to define YOU. Be unique. Be yourself. Just simply be you.

Where is peace?

"What is one word you would use to describe how you feel right now?"

"Peace." Carrie responded.

"I completely agree with you."

This was part of our conversation last night while we sat around the warmth of the campfire. With the bright flames reflecting off of our eyes and into the darkness of the sky we both talked in peace.

Scars are a peace of us all. Maybe you do not have any physically scars, but I know everyone has emotional scars. Everyone has baggage, a burden, something they are scared to tell others, something they struggle with, or something they are worried about. What is your scar or scars?

The point of peace is to find that time, that place, that moment, when all your scars seem to dissipate. You do not have to worry about them or anything for that matter. All you have to worry about is being in the moment. Enjoy life and the people you are with. Relax. Breath.

I found my peace last night sitting around the campfire at Knoebels with Carrie. I let all of my scars go - my worries about school, about where I belong, about my future. That was my peace.

Where do you find peace? What does peace mean to you?

My First Blog

Wow... my first real blog post.

Darkness covers the sky and I hear the creatures humming. The cool fall breeze is finally settling in and I had to throw on my sweatshirt. I am stumbling with the right words to say to begin this post, but I know they will come to me.

Scars are a peace of us all. Do not correct my grammar; I know I used the wrong form of "peace". Yes, that is for a purpose. Scars can be a sign of peace.

"Preach from your scars, not your open wounds" (Nadia Bolz-Weber).

Nadia is a pastor in the ELCA, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. She has written two books and I have attended two of her book talks in Philly. But why this quote out of everything she says? Because this is most prevalent in my life. From the moment those words came out of her mouth, they stuck. I have many scars and many wounds, but the scars are the ones I will talk about. When the wounds are healed I will tell you about the rest.

Over this past summer I began to write an autobiography, and I want to share part of the preface with you:

"This is my story. 

I am just human. I live my life day by day. I have been hurt; I am broken; I am not perfect. I AM beautiful. I am extraordinary. I am fabulous. I am a child of God. 

I’ve lost friends; I’ve gained friends. I’ve lost family; I’ve gained family. I’ve died; I’ve lived. This is my life; my story."

I have many scars- from bug bites to stretch marks and even cut marks- but I have begun to find peace in my scars. I have begun to find healing; not just physically, but emotionally. There is hope. You have life, we all do. So, I hope for this blog to be an uplifter for your day. To remind you that you are NEVER alone, no matter the circumstances. To give you joy, peace, healing, and comfort.

I will share bits and pieces of my story, but I encourage you to share yours as well.
I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"We live with the scars we choose."

Peace be with you.