Life is Like a Never Ending Roller Coaster

I always feel like I should be good at this. I've done it many times; sat down, pulled out my laptop and just wrote. The words always flowed to me. But for the past month I've had writers block. No matter where I go- my room, outside, the creek- the right words have not been coming to me. So, once again, I sit here with the white screen glaring at me, demanding I type something- anything- yet nothing comes onto the screen.

Then, the train passes by. I stare at it through the dark sky as the whistle blows. The loud engine covers the sound of my voice. I am here, alone. My heart begins to pick of pace. I am regretting not bringing Beck outside with me. Then, it moves past. I feel my heart slow to a steady rate. I am ok.

I begin to think about how far I have come from where I was a year ago, a month ago, last week, even yesterday.

Trains have always frightened me, because of my suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have had them many times and yes, occasionally I will still have them. But, I am here today and that is the most important part. My suicidal thoughts started at a young age; way too early. When I was in Jr. High, I attempted to wrap a belt around my neck and hang myself. The belt never actually made it around me, as I started bursting out in tears before I could do it. So, I proceeded to chop the belt up into little shreds and throw it away. I thought I would never again do something like that.

Then came High School. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, which later evolved into PTSD and schizo-affective disorder. I attempted once again to harm myself, multiple times I should add. I became a cutter and a smoker. I was hospitalized two times and in partial programs three times. That took up my whole high school career. I was not the average student.

Now, I am in college. I stare at my dorm building as I sit on the damp, cold bench. Wow. God has a plan for me, an amazing one. Through all of the struggles I have gone through and will continue to go through, I am going through them for a purpose. There is a plan for my life, and I am determined to fulfill it. Whether that be becoming a pastor or not, I will make a difference in the world. It has been one hell of a ride, but I am ready for whatever comes next.

Life is like a never ending roller coaster. Sometimes it's fun, other times it makes you sick. Just remember to hold on, and prepare for the ride. God knows where He is leading you!