Forgiveness

"Forgiveness- it does not change the past, but it does change the future."

What does it mean to forgive? How do you forgive? When do you forgive? Forgiveness is difficult.

Forgiveness starts at a young age. From saying "sorry" to your siblings, cousins, friends, whatever the case may be. But, as we grow older, sometimes we forget what we learned as a child. We forget what forgiveness is, because we run into major issues (instead of just someone stealing our toy or taking the last cookie).

We run into real problems where forgiveness needs to be involved- family fights, disagreements, firing from a job. I don't know your situation but I'm sure it could find its place here on the list.

Let me share a piece of my story. So, as you may know, Carrie and I are in a happy relationship. You may also know that we have been very involved in our "Church". There are many within our church congregation who accept us and love us, but there are many in the larger body of the "Church" who disagree. Essentially because of our age difference. So, they kicked Carrie out of all youth ministry activities, something that was very important to her. That occurred a little over a year ago. The larger "Church" body still has shown no forgiveness. I am not asking for her to be invited back into youth ministry activities, because I understand the circumstances. I am asking for the church to practice what they preach- forgiveness. To treat her with respect and not give her the cold shoulder. To not look at her like a villain, because she is not. We have forgiven them, why can't they forgive us?

Forgiveness is difficult. I know I already said that but especially in a case like mine and Carrie's, it is very difficult. But, why?

God sent his only son to die on the cross. To suffer pain. All to FORGIVE OUR SINS. So, why do we not have it in our hearts to forgive others?

Is a "sorry" enough? Sometimes it may be. But other times it's not. Forgiveness takes effort and time. You cannot change the things that happened in the past, but forgiveness does change the future. I pray that in the near future forgiveness will come for us and for your situation.

Beck

"There's a dog sitting on my bed"

"I know..."

It's overwhelming, tiring, demanding. I am happy, grateful, blessed. It is worth it.

Ever since I was old enough to know what a dog was, I wanted one. And once I was diagnosed with PTSD and knew what psychiatric service dogs were, I wanted one. Now, I finally have one. And it is amazing.

Beck had already changed my life in a way I cannot even explain.  It's like having a newborn, we fell in love at first site, and he demands work and attention. But the outcome is worth it.

Within 48 hours of getting him, the comfort he gave me as a conversation was triggering me, was unbelievable. So much comfort from one little pup.

 

Pain

"Lamb of God, you take away the sin shit of the world…"

I was standing in church this morning, singing. Not only was I singing, my mind was spinning. My thoughts were going crazy.
"How will I survive this week without Beck? (my new service dog who I do not get to officially bring home until next week). How will I survive midterms? I am not stable. I have too much anxiety. I cannot do this, but I have to. I don't want to go back to school. I just don't know what to do!"

Then, as I am singing, I paused and stare at the screen. Thoughts raced through my mind again.
"Could this really be what I am seeing. Was there a typo or something? What church song says 'shit' in it?!"

I did read the screen wrong. There was no typo. It said sin, not shit. But, now that I think about it, I think "shit" would fit pretty well into that song.

Lamb of God (okay, so Jesus), you take away the [shit] of the world (now what does this mean? especially since I changed a word...)

Lets define what "shit" is first. (If you have not read my previous blog, "Amidst the Shit", I recommend you go read that after this.) Shit- one of the most commonly used curse words that has a couple totally different meanings. But, the meaning I want to discuss is the shit that happens in our lives, the bad stuff. Shit like, losing your job, breaking up with a significant other, the death of a loved one, diseases, illnesses, the list could go on and on. This shit sucks. We've all had shit in our lives that we have had to work through and I'm sure it has not always been easy.

But, God will take away your pain, your suffering, your shit. God will be with you wherever you go. How do I know this? Because of the sacrifice of Jesus; His death and resurrection.

I will leave you with my favorite quote from Presiding Bishop Elizabeth Eaton as she spoke to youth leaders at the 2015 youth ministry network extravaganza:

“...God knows that... God knows that pain, because God took on our own life. And God has done something about that in the death and resurrection of Jesus and though it might really suck right now (and that's a technical theological term, which I'm sure you've used) and though it may really suck right now to be you. GOD WON'T LET YOU ALONE, and YOU have life. That's pretty Good News... actually that's excellent Good News...

Anxiety

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

Anxiety. It sucks.

Being worried about the future or life in general, not being able to make decisions, not being able to focus, feeling like you can not breath or sleep, sweating, getting nauseous, the list could go on and on. Anxiety sucks.

Maybe you suffer from it, maybe you do not. I am no doctor and I am not here to treat you; I am here to give you words of encouragement. You will make it.

What? You don't believe me? Hell, I don't believe myself some days. You will make it.
How will I make it? When will I make it?

It doesn't feel like I will make it when anxiety has taken over my body and I cannot focus, feel like I am going to puke, cannot do anything. I understand that feeling. Trust me.

But, one day you will make it. I will make it. Why? Because there are always others there supporting you, praying for you, and helping you. You may not always see them, but they are there. And you know who else is always there for you? God. He will never leave you. The peace of God is always in your heart. He will comfort you and protect you.

So, you will make it. I am not saying to not be anxious, because it is something we all naturally do. I am saying to know you will make it through and that things will work out. Trust in God. Believe you can and you will. 

Determination

I exit out of the game on my phone and pull up my blog. Time to write, although the game I was playing is so addicting. It is called "stack". The goal of the game is to see how many blocks you can stack on top of each other without missing. For every ten blocks stacked you get a coin. After 200 coins you can trade it in for a new color or design of the blocks. It's a fun game to play if you're bored. But why am I telling you this? There is a point here.

It is a pain in the ass to reach 200 coins, it takes time and patience. I just reached 200 yesterday and I thought today as I was playing, "great, now I have to start all over. Reach 200 again." I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to begin again. But sometimes that is what we have to do. 

Life isn't always going to be easy. There are going to be twists and turns. You have to be determined. Sometimes, you have to start over. That is okay. Begin again and keep your head up. A struggle is only a new opportunity awaiting. 

I have been waiting to get a service dog. So many times organizations fell through for me. Finally I think I may be getting one. I am going to visit the pup tomorrow to see if he is a good fit for me. If he is not, then I will begin again. Will I be upset? Yes. But, I will just start collecting those 200 coins again, so to speak. It is not the end of the world. 

It is okay if you have to start fresh. It is okay to struggle. Sometimes a clean slate is what we all need. But, never give up your determination.

Be Still

Yet again, I stare at my blank screen wondering what to type. I reflect on this week and think of what wisdom I can pull from it. I am left with nothing. I write when I need to; I write as a coping mechanism and I have not needed to this week. So, now that I am left with not knowing what to say and I feel like there is something wrong with me. But, there is nothing wrong. It is okay to just be still. It is okay to not know what to say. I am allowed to have a good week.

We all need time to breathe. Time to reflect on our life and how far we have come. Whatever struggles you are going through right now or have gone through in the past, they do not matter right now. Just stop. Take a deep breath. Now another one. And a third. You've made it this far and you will continue to make it. Just relax. Focus on the good in life. Take time to be still.

I forget to do this often. I forget to focus on the good, to relax, and to be still. So I got the words "be still" tattooed on my left wrist. Ever since then I have stopped cutting. When I am depressed I look at that. It brings me back to reality. It is two simple words that mean so much. There is more behind the meaning of my tattoo, but that I will share later. The point of this is to remind you that it is okay to take personal time. You are allowed to get away and be still.

So, put down the phone, take a walk, look at God's beautiful creation and be still. Have a blessed day.

Your Blank Canvas

Write a sentence...delete; repeat. That is how I feel right now. I have a blank canvas. A blank space to write whatever I want, to share whatever I want, and yet I do not know what to say. The bright, white screen glows in the dark room. This is my blank canvas; my new start; my fresh start. Here is your opportunity- your blank canvas; grab a brush and paint your life. 

What is on your canvas?

Is it abstract or realistic? What medium? Think about it. What does your life look like at this moment? But, then think about it in the future. What are your life goals?

I had this conversation with Carrie today about our life goals. I listed my three- to change the church, open my own counseling practice, and/or be an advocate for suicide prevention. But, in order to get to those goals, there is a lot of work I have to do first. I have to make it through college and seminary. Get a real job and work my way up to the bigger jobs. Someday I will get there. It just takes work. A painting doesn't happen in five minutes, especially large ones. Be patient; breathe.

Sometimes we get too tied up in one section of our life. One fragment, one argument, one test score, one long day, that does not even matter in the big picture. Remember what you are painting. Remember your goal. Remember who you are.

The rest of this is blank. So, begin your story, begin your life. What's holding you back?